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Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

From the classic Shakespearean quotation suggesting we kill them all, to David Letterman's "Top 10 Clues you've hired a bad lawyer," the legal profession has taken more than its share of ribbing.

Not surprisingly, some of our colleagues find lawyer jokes controversial. While some would argue they demean or degrade the profession, we also see a positive dimension to lawyer jokes: they offer social commentary directed at troublesome aspects of our profession. As such, they can serve to increase our awareness of faults and mistakes—whether real or perceived—of attorneys everywhere.

By showcasing our own "lawyer jokes" on our web site, we hope that heightened awareness will foster self-improvement. We need to be able to laugh at ourselves and, while laughing, learn how to serve our clients more fully.

Lawyer Joke #1

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." The butcher says, "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

Lawyer Joke #2

A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Lawyer Joke #3

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Lawyer Joke #4

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Lawyer Joke #5

Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief.

Lawyer Joke #6

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

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